Did you stop feeling joy?
Why You Stopped Feeling Joy After Narcissistic Abuse
Here is how to rewire your brain’s reward system.
7 min read, Published Mar 13, 2026 (View article in Medium publication here)
I thought maybe it was just a symptom of getting older. I thought the spark of life had worn off a bit. But five years after leaving the vulnerable narcissist, I realize the damage from emotional abuse is extremely deep. And, I keep discovering more leftovers of abuse.
The lack of joy in things that used to be pleasurable is another consequence of this type of trauma. And after you read this, I bet you will see what I see. Years after emotional abuse, we are still repairing damages we didn’t even know we had. It’s hard when the scars are invisible and feel so familiar we don’t even feel them.
Keep reading to find out why we are afraid to be happy, and at the end, I’ll give you a meditation that will help you start to learn it’s safe to feel joy again.
Anhedonia
Anhedonia is the inability to experience pleasure or enjoyment from activities and experiences that were previously found to be rewarding.
I thought my lack of interest in things was just a function of getting older, but alas, it is another remnant of the ten years with a vulnerable covert narcissist.
And here I am 5 years after leaving. Yes, anhedonia can persist for years after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. Apparently this is a well-documented consequence of prolonged emotional abuse. Go figure.
Why We Stop Feeling Joy
Living with a narcissist involves sustained, covert abuse. Like constant emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, DARVO (blame reversal), and having our needs invalidated and weaponized. Over time, this does actual damage to the brain’s reward system. Ugh.
We are punished by our abuser when they see we are enjoying something. They hate to see us happy, and over years of abuse, we are literally trained to not enjoy anything (or we will be punished). So we dip into a survival mode, where our nervous system and primitive brain do what they do best. Adapt and survive.
It’s not just stopping things we used to like doing. It feels like not wanting to do the things at all. Indifference. Whatever.
And maybe you go to a therapist and fill out the stupid form that goes something like “In the last week have you felt like things are not enjoyable” and the and the 1 (Never), 2 (Sometimes), 3 (Always) scale feels like a joke because your answer is permanently not giving a fuck anymore. Maybe check the box for ‘Always’ but not because of sadness, but because the system for joy has been physically disconnected by emotional abuse.
Next thing you know, you’re labeled as depressed, but inside you are not sad. You just don’t care at a level deeper than anything a stupid form can diagnose.
It’s not depression. It’s Anhedonia. And it’s another leftover of the emotional abuse.
Damage Assessment
Before I give you the meditation, here is an explanation of what is going on. It helps to understand why our nervous system and brain do what they do. At the end of the day these systems are just trying to keep us safe and alive; but sometimes we have to take conscious control and rewire the programming!
Dopamine Dysregulation
The emotional stress of the relationship like walking on eggshells, suppressing needs, and avoiding conflict, disrupts our dopamine system. Our brain learns that pleasure and reward are unsafe, so it suppresses the dopamine system.
Trauma Responses
Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) is super common after narcissistic abuse, and anhedonia is one of its core symptoms (who knew? not me). Our nervous system gets stuck in a low-arousal, shutdown state, because this was “safety.”
Identity Erosion
Emotional abuse makes us feel responsible for their emotions. Over months, years (or often decades), we lose our sense of self. Forgetting about our interests, not caring about things we used to really enjoy, and even giving up desire, leaving emptiness where enjoyment and happiness used to live.
Exhaustion
Constantly walking on eggshells depletes emotional and neurological resources. The same power source we previously used for fun has been rerouted for danger aversion. Makes sense, but doesn’t make it any better when you realize how much and how deep this abuse reaches into our system.
Here is a quick Mindshift Meditation exercise rooted in Polyvagal theory. This helps move our body and nervous system out of what’s called Dorsal Shutdown (part of the anhedonia state) and get us back into a sense of safety and connection. It’s designed to help us teach ourselves that we are allowed to experience joy and happiness, the punisher is gone.
I am SAFE and allowed to be Happy
Sit or stand comfortably. Take a nice deep breath inhaling through your nose into your lower belly, allowing it to expand. Breathe out gently through your mouth. Try to use this deep, intentional breath during the exercise.
Cross your arms over your chest so that your right hand rests on your left upper arm/shoulder, and your left hand rests on your right shoulder.
Slowly tap your hands alternating left and right. You can move up and down your shoulder/upper arm if you like. Keep doing this in a way that feels natural throughout the exercise.
Make a voooo/whoooo or low humming sound on your exhale. The vibration of humming stimulates your vagus nerve behind your throat and helps to reset your nervous system. Repeat a few times as you like. Think or say to yourself, “I am here, I am safe, and I am in control of this body now.”
Imagine something you used to enjoy doing. Think about the texture, the smells, the temperature, the sensations. Maybe it was the feeling of wind in your face when riding your bike. The smell of a bookstore. Or the spray of water when at the beach. Whatever used to bring you joy, start rebuilding it in your imagination.
Use this memory to bring up the feeling of joy or happiness. ALLOW yourself to feel it. This is the key my friend. You were trained through the emotional abuse to not feel joy or happiness, and now you have inadvertently become your own gatekeeper (damn nervous system!)Be gentle and allow yourself to feel how you used to feel.
Create a Mindshift that says “I am allowed to feel this way. It is ok to feel GOOD. I can enjoy things.” Use your own words and thoughts to create this.
Take that Mindshift and make it small and repeatable, like a sentence or even a word. Think about it and store it into your brain like a song that gets stuck in a thought loop playing over an over. Name it. Have it ready to call upon. Write it down if that helps.
Sit with this Mindshift as long as you are comfortable doing so. Feel the emotion. Remember the sensory details of the thing that you used to enjoy. Don’t forget this new Mindshift and thought loop. Your task is to remind yourself to think this way and feel the joy or happiness associated with your memory when you engage this thought loop.
Engage your thought loop several times throughout your day.
Tips for quicker results: Set a reminder on your phone. Give yourself a small version of the self hug from the beginning of this exercise. Remember to let yourself breathe fully. Your goal is to feel joy or happiness several times a day, and learn that you are no longer being punished. You are safe. Don’t just think about it, FEEL it. And remind yourself (several times a day) that the abuser is GONE and you are permitted to feel good, enjoy life, and be happy!
The fact that you’re reading this article means that you are on the right path.
Recovery from this kind of covert abuse is hard. It often takes longer than we expect, and that’s not our personal failing. It’s a neurological reality that this shit damaged our brain and nervous system in a way that takes time to repair and rebuild. The big difficulty is trying to get through it without being upset that it happened, thinking about how unfair it is, and even blaming ourselves for staying so long, etc. This adds to the damage.
Why Trauma Lasts So Long
The brain physically changes more and more over time when subjected to chronic emotional stress. It took time to damage and these changes don’t reverse overnight (but they are reversable!)
Many survivors don’t recognize or take years to realize that they were abused (vulnerable narcissism is subtle), so healing is delayed
Self-blame, grief, loss, and even the shame of “allowing” the abuse to go on compound the problem
Without specifically working to heal and regulate after abuse, our nervous system stays in a dysregulated state
What Actually Helps
Rebuilding small pleasures on purpose — Don’t wait to “feel like it.” Instead we start by sort of forcing our brains to want to engage in activities we used to enjoy
Nervous system regulation practices — Polyvagal Techniques and Somatic Exercises, breathwork, movement, time in nature
Community and connection — Isolation worsens anhedonia significantly, and this is particularly hard if you are naturally an introvert.
Time and a safe environment — Our brain needs sustained safety to begin unwiring the trauma response
Be gentle on yourself and let yourself be happy again.
Think about it this way, our true happiness is the biggest middle finger FU to the abuser. Smile :)
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